For Want of Love
by Flareons
Summary: Allen wants only one thing before he dies, Kanda doesn't want to give it to him but does anyway. KandaAllen


**Title**: For Want of Love  
**Author**: A. Haverstock  
**Characters**: Kanda/Allen  
**Rating**: R  
**Warnings**: Smut  
**Word Count**: 1378  
**Genre**: Angst 

**Kanda/Allen (D.Gray-Man) **for SinisterSunDown (1378 words)

_Prompt: Kanda/Allen, dark and smutty  
_

"Beansprout," he hisses.

He has an idea of what had happened with Rabi a few weeks earlier and so has been expecting this encounter for a while. The red-head has been withdrawn and introverted enough that even Bookman has been looking worried and he knows exactly who was the cause.

There was only one person in the world that could crush the red-head like that other than himself, and now that person is standing in front of him.

"Bastard," Allen replies. The flatness of his normally clear eyes bothers Kanda in a way he didn't think possible. His hair is longer and he exudes an aura of sensuality that he is positive wasn't there before.

Kanda thinks he knows what happened with Rabi. He thinks the same thing is going to happen to him.

"Why are you here?" he shoots out. He wasn't expecting to be so unprepared for this meeting. He had assumed that it would happen at Headquarters and not within the crumbling walls of the castle he was investigating.

Allen's eyes fill with sorrow for a split second but Kanda catches it. The parasite doesn't want to do this, he realizes. All of a sudden pieces are falling together.

"I'm here to kill you," he answers. His eyes, once a bright silver, are now tarnished with something Kanda could never understand. "But I want you to kill me first."

Kanda's eyes narrow in suspicion. "Why is that?"

"Because," Allen is looking at him straight in the eye and he is relieved to see a bit of the old brat peeking out. "I am going to tell you everything you need to know to defeat the Earl. Then I am going to die at his hands, unless you kill me first."

He tightens his hand around Mugen. The white-haired teen notices with a grim smile. "Wait until I tell you what you need to hear, and then you can do whatever you want to me."

Kanda nods his agreement and Allen opens his mouth. A flood of words spill out and fill the air with the information the Black Order has been waiting for centuries to hear. He feels the hope build up inside him until he can barely contain it.

"How can I be sure this isn't a trap?" he says.

"You can't," replies the brat. "Now kill me."

Kanda eyes the teen critically. "No," he says slowly. Allen let's out an angry growl. "You said I could do whatever I want to you."

He watches Allen's face twist with anger. He takes a step forward and the other teen holds his ground. "You're going to tell me why you turned to the Noahs," he spits out. "You're going to tell me why you left for the enemy because we deserve an answer."

"No," Allen answers. "You don't. You already know the answer and I'm not going to tell you. I don't want the last thing I remember to be the pain I put you all through." His voice cracks near the end of his sentence and Kanda is struck all at once by how young the boy in front of him is. "I want to try and remember what it feels like to be loved."

Kanda tries to remain stoic and Allen tries to remain whole. They both fail.

"I want to know what it feels like to be loved by someone before I die."

Kanda finds himself becoming nervous. He has prided himself on remaining detached from other people. He finds emotions to be unnecessary and hindering. The broken boy in front of him reminds him too much of himself when he was a child and it frightens him.

"I want you to leave," Kanda tells him.

Allen stares at him. His eyes are no longer flat and emotionless. They are pools of feeling that he is careful not to drown in. Blood is trickling down his face from the markings carved in his forehead, contrasting deeply with his smooth, white skin and stain his lips as they part to reply:

"I want you to love me."

"You say that because you're desperate."

"Yes," Allen says. He doesn't deny it because it's the truth. "I've wanted to tell you that at first I thought I just hated you, but then I realized that I was only afraid of how I felt because anyone who could make me feel like you do…" he pauses a moment before continuing. "…would only hurt me in the end."

_Or get hurt themselves_, Kanda thinks as Allen moves forward to press their lips together.

_Please do this for me,_ begs the traitorous Noah.

He tastes like blood and Kanda's first reaction is to pull away, but he's never backed down from a challenge before. He slams Allen into a wall and gets his lip bit in retaliation. This is a battle to them. It is how they began, and now it is how they will end.

Allen works on unclothing him and he hears his zipper growl as it's pulled down and the tattoo on his chest is laid bare for the world to see. The ivory-haired Noah doesn't ask questions about his brand but instead traces it with his tongue as he makes his way down to work on his nipple. He nips it with his teeth and Kanda pulls the ribbon from Allen's neck so roughly that it burns even through the collar of his dress shirt.

The Exorcist doesn't bother with the small buttons of the shirt and rips it off of him instead. He buries his face into the hollow of Allen's collarbone and bites hard enough for it to bleed. Allen lets his hands map out the contours of Kanda's torso as his lips meet the ebony-haired man's once more. He's rewarded with a throaty moan when his hands slip below the waistline of the other's trousers and suddenly he's grinning into the kiss at the absurdity of it all.

He grinds their hips together and they both are left dazed, for a moment, by the surprising pleasure of it. Kanda is the first to recover and works on extracting Allen from his trousers. The younger teen catches on and shifts his hips a bit to make it easier. He grinds against Kanda again as he does so, just so it won't be _too _easy, and then pulls the man's trousers off as well.

They both know that there is supposed to be some preparation for what's about to happen -- Kanda knows from experience and Allen knows from eavesdropping -- but Kanda thinks Allen deserves the pain and doesn't bother with it.

Allen knows he deserves it and doesn't either.

There is a pause right before Kanda enters him and they look each other in the eye. Allen doesn't try to pick apart the expression that is etched on Kanda's face because he wants to remember Kanda as a whole and not as bits and pieces. Kanda doesn't try to pick apart the expression Allen's face holds because he's scared he'll see himself in those eerie silver eyes.

It hurts more than Allen expected but it's not unbearable, and he's awed by the knowledge that he's connected to one of the people dearest to him in such a way. He feels full in a way that he hadn't before and he's supremely grateful that he's getting to experience it with the one who has always seemed to understand him the most.

Kanda seems to be waiting for Allen and so he presses himself down onto the Exorcist's length. He feels it in his throat, though not in an unpleasant way. Kanda begins thrusting into him and starts a rhythm that Allen quickly adjusts to. The ivory-haired teen leans forward to bite marks across Kanda's torso and he grabs himself with his hands and begins pumping himself to the rhythm they've set.

They come almost at the same time and Allen finds himself sitting on the cold stone floor, slumped against Kanda's chest. He's more exhausted than he can ever remember being and hurts in both the best and worse ways possible.

"Thank you, Kanda," he breathes into his maybe-friend's sweaty chest.

Kanda says nothing as he pierces Allen's heart with his blade.


End file.
